Non-psyched

School resumes, and i'm not one bit excited. What's there to be excited for?
I'm not usually like this but I'm really not looking forward to this coming term. I want to travel back to when i was in secondary school. I;m missing the familiarity of IJ. It;s been almost a year, and I still haven't fully adapt to this environment. I give myself another term, before i quit school.

New Years Eve

It's been a month hiatus of not updating my blog, i know. I'm back, though i have this premonition of the enthusiasm lasting for awhile. Before it dies out, treasure it cause reading my blog comes close to my current thoughts and happening. I think this is gonna be a rather lengthy post.

So, it was new year's eve yesterday. Had a fine afternoon day-out with my close friend of 3 years. Many choices of how i could spent my last minutes of 2012, except none included her. Weighed my options of mainly 2; home-countdown(which also means sleepover) or Siloso beach countdown.

Guess which i chose? Neither.

It started pouring in the early afternoon and continued having slight drizzles as the night approached, so Siloso was obviously out. I don't want to be dirtying my Vans in the damp sand and having to deal with wet hair which will lead to frizz.

It's decided, home-countdown it is! But... little monthly red man had the feel to take a trip downtown to the little kitty cat cat that day. Sleeping over while having period is a no-no! Do you want to risk staining her bed? Yes? Alright, go ahead and lose a friend! Hah.

Hero to zero plans. Pathetic.

Anyway, I was lucky to have brought A's present along. You must be thinking why i even brought it out right? That's because I really am that silly to have thought that A might ask me out on the eve, thanks to things said on chat. But who are we kidding? A has never been the one to ask her out. Alright fine, maybe once, yes just once. (continues argument in another post) 

Met for dinner, passed A the small gift. Judging from his post-reaction, he seemed to like it. Pat on my back! HAHA. We took our stroll along the boutiques and played our self-created games. Clock was ticking, midnight was arriving. My plan was to go home and let the last seconds of 2012 end either sleeping or watching a movie. I won't deny that i secretly wanted to spend  it with A but it was whatever. Being the blur as usual, he didn't even know it was new year's eve. A oh A! Well, after learning that fact, it was obvious that he wanted to spend it with me as well, he didn't even attempt to hide it. It was written all over his face, cmon  Maybe he did try to cover up, but i guess it wasn't successful. Anyway, none of that mattered as we eventually did pass it together.
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**i've already lost momentum to continue, i will continue this post tomorrow when i get back from breakfast with dearest Abz, which i'm so excited for because we havent met for so long. Catch up session is mandatory in this case! I missed those hugs i got from that joyous company! Maybe. Yes just maybe i'll continue. If not, i'll just remove it altogether or i might just leave it here and leave it unended. if laziness kicks in. We'll see, we'll see. omg i am seriously beyond salvage

Good friends

In this shit of a situation, I have you & i'm thankful. I'm still having doubts though. Are you just in it for a ride or are you staying for the real deal? I really hope that you're not just a passing tide.

You know that feeling when you have this great feeling about something? I'm feeling exactly that now.

Good friends dont just come along do they? They are like a sun drop in the ocean, a needle in a haystack.

Don't kiss and tell

I've come to realise that kissing and telling just isn't the right way to go.

Good beautiful moments shared between 2 people/a group of people should be kept within themselves and not be exhibited. The exhibition that i mean here is to the public audience, and especially when your audience are people who you know will judge and misinterpret your every move  and are full of jealousy. Easier said, the ugly society. 

Wouldn't it be a lot more meaningful, just keeping it in and just appreciate every memory you have? It offers that sense of connection you have with that person. I just find that it's so undesirable, having the world knowing your string of precious moments. 

Recounting with close circle of friends whom you fully trust is absolutely fine because you know they'll always want you to be happy and want the very best for you. Even so, i'm sure there are certain things that are better left untold.

Well at least, these are my thoughts in this area.

Masquerade

People, they try to lie in my face. Tell me things i know is bull, leaving out information they think i dont know.

Do they really think I'm simple-minded? Stupidly playing charade with me. Little did they know that whatever things they know, i'm always a step ahead of them. 

Well then, I keep it in and feign ignorance. Who are they kidding? They are the ignorant ones here.

They want to play this game, I will gladly play along! & at the end of the day, i know i'll claim victory.

At the wake of devastation

She sat there staring blankly in the direction of her laptop. As much as she wanted to fight for herself, she couldn't. She thought of all the things she wanted to say but she hadn't the slightest strength to even lift a finger and glide her hands through the keyboard. It's as though his words had numb her every muscle.

That night, she knew all her hopes were lost. All the things she had dream of and imagine to happen were crush by a simple, short sentence, no one knew could hurt like a million knives jabbing through the heart. It was that heart-breaking.

She started to wonder if he had the slightest clue of how much his words were hurting her. For someone who was deep and thinks so much like a woman, he should know that whatever he was saying could not be handled by a delicate heart. He of all the people, knew that her heart was not one to be mess with. What was he thinking? She kept questioning

She had all the evidence that he liked her. Question on her mind was why didn't he take any actions? Any initiative at all will make her day. Instead, he pussyfooted and did nothing. She found herself always being the one initiating talks, starting conversations. As much as she like conversing with him, she actually hated it. She hated the fact that she had the burning desire to always speak with him. 

But what she hated more was having to constantly making the first move. 

Where is everyone?

Right now, i feel so alone. I just feel like there's no one i can pour out my heartaches to. I look in all directions but there just isn't somebody who is truly there for me anymore. It's so painful, holding all of this in.

As i'm writing this, i'm crying so hard because it is that bad.

Everyone is out there having fun while i'm stuck here having to deal with all this insecurities and problems myself. For a second that time, i thought i was special but i guess everyone was using me to get to the top, in pursuit of their happiness. I'm definitely not in it.

It's extremely difficult to put all these emotions into words, So much thoughts but i could only express so little.

Can i just ask for one thing and one thing only? Give me someone who actually gives a shit about me. That's all i'm asking. i really am that desperate.