I woke up and cried you a river at dawn. This feeling is overwhelming. I cant sleep tight with such heaviness in my chest.

Signs You’re Falling in Love

You think of them when you get dressed in the morning

You make doodles of their name absent-mindedly

You forget to eat

You realize you miss them when they are not around

You can't concentrate on things for long, or at all

You catch yourself smiling

You can't look at them

Day 2

In a very packed bus, there you were and there I was,just next to you. Your back was turn against me. Just inches apart, I could lean in a little closer and my head would already be resting on your shoulder. That translates how close we were.You hadnt the slightest idea how badly I wanted to. Your hair was a nice shade of dark brown under the sunlight. It was away from the typical short cut most guys had, they were a nice length of short and long. A little damp, boy it looked so amazing.  I had to pull back from rustling my hands through them. Your smell, oh your smell..... I don't know sweat scent could be so attractive, but they are. On you. I didnt gag. Blended with your cologne of mystery, your smell is hypnotizing.

It's enough to say, you are my exception.

Advice, no thanks!

I only got myself to blame.

That night, I really should have listened to her when she told me to just let it be but I've always been so stubborn. I went ahead to ask anyway. Because even when I ask people for their advices, I don't actually heed them. They'll be just as good as wasting precious breaths on me.

If I hadn't done what i did then maybe just maybe, you wouldn't have gotten together with her, given how you were so heavily dependant on my opinion. This bullshit wouldn't have existed, and i'd be at a happier state of mind right now.

Ties

I've re-evaluated our friendship multiple times and i think that what's keeping us together is the feeling of familiarity and attachment. We don't care for each other anymore. Maybe we never did in thee first place. A twist of fate brought us together.

Do you think we'll be at devastation if we lose each other? Why are we still hanging on to this? Isn't it best if we get going with our separate ways?

Auspicious 11

I get it now. Statistics have  probably proven to show significantly high data of wishes having a higher tendency of coming true when it's made on 11:11. 

What seemed to be improbable before, has taken a turn now.

Here's why. An 11:11 wish came true for me yesterday, and today, despite not making any wishes at that timing or at all, i was slapped by another dream, and watched it transform into reality. Later to find out that, it happened at 11 pm on the 11 of Jan. 11. This could just be a discovery of my lucky number, which i previously thought was 18. Such revelation. 

However, my most ultimate faith is in God and believes in no other forms besides Him. And that miracles do happen if it's within His will.

I am starting to sound so devotional and pious, gosh. True, nevertheless.

His ways

Yes, he was a smart boy.

He never made it look like he was keen to have her around, making himself looked neutral about the whole companionship. Their audience, people who watched them, analyzing their every rhythm from the surface, would've thought that it's just her, her all along who wanted him, craves his presence. Some also thought she was in desperation to have him.

Could she blame them? Certainly not. A smooth, innocent portrayal of himself had been painted. He's the target, the one she was after, and the lucky one who could tell a story of how a girl was very much into him.

In actual fact , she never had any feeling of fondness toward him. Like most typical college girl, she came in to that new school, new environment and she fell deeply for a senior. Love at first sight it was! It was her first. See, he was never in the picture.

But his careful and nice words and sometimes teasing too, his flirtatious and occasional long glances, his actions, put it together and serve it on a silver platter, and tell me how could a girl not think that he liked her? 

Excellent for the craftiness! Even she was impressed by how he pulled it off so well.

Non-psyched

School resumes, and i'm not one bit excited. What's there to be excited for?
I'm not usually like this but I'm really not looking forward to this coming term. I want to travel back to when i was in secondary school. I;m missing the familiarity of IJ. It;s been almost a year, and I still haven't fully adapt to this environment. I give myself another term, before i quit school.

New Years Eve

It's been a month hiatus of not updating my blog, i know. I'm back, though i have this premonition of the enthusiasm lasting for awhile. Before it dies out, treasure it cause reading my blog comes close to my current thoughts and happening. I think this is gonna be a rather lengthy post.

So, it was new year's eve yesterday. Had a fine afternoon day-out with my close friend of 3 years. Many choices of how i could spent my last minutes of 2012, except none included her. Weighed my options of mainly 2; home-countdown(which also means sleepover) or Siloso beach countdown.

Guess which i chose? Neither.

It started pouring in the early afternoon and continued having slight drizzles as the night approached, so Siloso was obviously out. I don't want to be dirtying my Vans in the damp sand and having to deal with wet hair which will lead to frizz.

It's decided, home-countdown it is! But... little monthly red man had the feel to take a trip downtown to the little kitty cat cat that day. Sleeping over while having period is a no-no! Do you want to risk staining her bed? Yes? Alright, go ahead and lose a friend! Hah.

Hero to zero plans. Pathetic.

Anyway, I was lucky to have brought A's present along. You must be thinking why i even brought it out right? That's because I really am that silly to have thought that A might ask me out on the eve, thanks to things said on chat. But who are we kidding? A has never been the one to ask her out. Alright fine, maybe once, yes just once. (continues argument in another post) 

Met for dinner, passed A the small gift. Judging from his post-reaction, he seemed to like it. Pat on my back! HAHA. We took our stroll along the boutiques and played our self-created games. Clock was ticking, midnight was arriving. My plan was to go home and let the last seconds of 2012 end either sleeping or watching a movie. I won't deny that i secretly wanted to spend  it with A but it was whatever. Being the blur as usual, he didn't even know it was new year's eve. A oh A! Well, after learning that fact, it was obvious that he wanted to spend it with me as well, he didn't even attempt to hide it. It was written all over his face, cmon  Maybe he did try to cover up, but i guess it wasn't successful. Anyway, none of that mattered as we eventually did pass it together.
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**i've already lost momentum to continue, i will continue this post tomorrow when i get back from breakfast with dearest Abz, which i'm so excited for because we havent met for so long. Catch up session is mandatory in this case! I missed those hugs i got from that joyous company! Maybe. Yes just maybe i'll continue. If not, i'll just remove it altogether or i might just leave it here and leave it unended. if laziness kicks in. We'll see, we'll see. omg i am seriously beyond salvage

Good friends

In this shit of a situation, I have you & i'm thankful. I'm still having doubts though. Are you just in it for a ride or are you staying for the real deal? I really hope that you're not just a passing tide.

You know that feeling when you have this great feeling about something? I'm feeling exactly that now.

Good friends dont just come along do they? They are like a sun drop in the ocean, a needle in a haystack.

Don't kiss and tell

I've come to realise that kissing and telling just isn't the right way to go.

Good beautiful moments shared between 2 people/a group of people should be kept within themselves and not be exhibited. The exhibition that i mean here is to the public audience, and especially when your audience are people who you know will judge and misinterpret your every move  and are full of jealousy. Easier said, the ugly society. 

Wouldn't it be a lot more meaningful, just keeping it in and just appreciate every memory you have? It offers that sense of connection you have with that person. I just find that it's so undesirable, having the world knowing your string of precious moments. 

Recounting with close circle of friends whom you fully trust is absolutely fine because you know they'll always want you to be happy and want the very best for you. Even so, i'm sure there are certain things that are better left untold.

Well at least, these are my thoughts in this area.

Masquerade

People, they try to lie in my face. Tell me things i know is bull, leaving out information they think i dont know.

Do they really think I'm simple-minded? Stupidly playing charade with me. Little did they know that whatever things they know, i'm always a step ahead of them. 

Well then, I keep it in and feign ignorance. Who are they kidding? They are the ignorant ones here.

They want to play this game, I will gladly play along! & at the end of the day, i know i'll claim victory.

At the wake of devastation

She sat there staring blankly in the direction of her laptop. As much as she wanted to fight for herself, she couldn't. She thought of all the things she wanted to say but she hadn't the slightest strength to even lift a finger and glide her hands through the keyboard. It's as though his words had numb her every muscle.

That night, she knew all her hopes were lost. All the things she had dream of and imagine to happen were crush by a simple, short sentence, no one knew could hurt like a million knives jabbing through the heart. It was that heart-breaking.

She started to wonder if he had the slightest clue of how much his words were hurting her. For someone who was deep and thinks so much like a woman, he should know that whatever he was saying could not be handled by a delicate heart. He of all the people, knew that her heart was not one to be mess with. What was he thinking? She kept questioning

She had all the evidence that he liked her. Question on her mind was why didn't he take any actions? Any initiative at all will make her day. Instead, he pussyfooted and did nothing. She found herself always being the one initiating talks, starting conversations. As much as she like conversing with him, she actually hated it. She hated the fact that she had the burning desire to always speak with him. 

But what she hated more was having to constantly making the first move. 

Where is everyone?

Right now, i feel so alone. I just feel like there's no one i can pour out my heartaches to. I look in all directions but there just isn't somebody who is truly there for me anymore. It's so painful, holding all of this in.

As i'm writing this, i'm crying so hard because it is that bad.

Everyone is out there having fun while i'm stuck here having to deal with all this insecurities and problems myself. For a second that time, i thought i was special but i guess everyone was using me to get to the top, in pursuit of their happiness. I'm definitely not in it.

It's extremely difficult to put all these emotions into words, So much thoughts but i could only express so little.

Can i just ask for one thing and one thing only? Give me someone who actually gives a shit about me. That's all i'm asking. i really am that desperate.

Little less you as the days goes

I feel this heavy weight deep within my chest. I think it's the tears, they are being conceived in my heart. Emotionally, i can feel my heart jabbing into my rib cage.

Seriously, what do you do when the person you thought will be by your side through the ups and downs is slowly being taken away from you?

Right now, with you fading, i feel kind of muddled. We progress with the days but we deteriorate with each other. Have you changed over the months or is it just that your priorities are different?

Now when you asked me to confide in you, it just doesn't seems so easy like it used to be, it will never be like the times when i could let myself fill you. I've to contemplate every word i say when i'm with you, & exactly that's the sad thing. It has become so hard to be myself around you recently after what I've seen you become. I see this whole new other person when i gaze at you, this person you swore you'd never be. Where have your words gone to?

You were also very persistent with me, but it just isn't like that anymore. You were always the one to ask me to join you in your activities. Look at you now, your enthusiasm of an invitation only lasts a second. I no longer see any attempts of persuasion. You know what this looks to me, a mere sake of invitation so you dont have to deal with any confrontations later on.

Nevertheless, i see a glimpse of hope. So my dearest, come back. I dont want you to leave. A second chance i will give, just come back. Come back with the soul i once knew. It's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be real hard, but i'm ready to work things out with you.

Reality that lies beneath

I say i dont give a damn but truth is, i care a whole damn lot of shit.

A New Chapter

School resumes tomorrow, which means meal deprivation and sleepless nights to come. Oh boy.

Anyway, it'll be a fresh start and I intent to begin it with good working habits, like how my mum and aunt always advised me too. No more procrastination, or fooling around. Last semester was a huge wake up call to my GPA. I've letdown those around me with my poor results but mostly, I've disappointed myself. & now it is time to slog all the way!

Though the thought of having to work my ass off doesn't seem to exciting, I must say i'm pretty psyched for school. Maybe mainly, i just miss my classmates that's all and my crush. Oops but yes I do!

I want to be working hard on every school day and not spend each day like it's a holiday. That way when holiday comes, i wont feel any guilt to party because I know I've done my best for school. Do I promise to put all this into action? YES, and you all will be my witness. Watch me ace this term guys!

Rebellion

Amazing day spent with friends close to the heart, with destructive food consumption As much as i like healthy food, it's a challenge to resist the most fattening, calorie-laden food too.

 People tend to like what's bad for them. Sometimes we know we shouldn't but that's exactly why we do it. In life, we make stupid decisions and silly choices.

I personally feel that the greatest joy in my life always comes from doing what others said that I cannot do.

How do you see things?

STRUCK BY THE SIMPLE TRUTH THAT SOMETIMES THE ORDINARY CAN BE MADE EXTRAORDINARY SIMPLY BY DOING IT WITH THE RIGHT COMPANION

Love that will etched in memory forever

I'd sing about your thin, convex, almond eyes and gentle mouth, which has lips that curve into a smile when you see me; about your hands, perfect amount of roughness to them, which always shoot goals; about your breath which come more quickly when you're anxious; about your lightly-curled brunette hair, which gleamed in the sunlight; about your slender arms which could do so much work; about your well-toned legs, which jump so high up in the air in order to reach for the ball; and about the wonderful scent of you skin which smelled of sea air, sweat and a unique hint of indescribable fragrance

Words i never got to say, my previous.